20 Reasons You Want to Own a Handgun or Assault Rifle

1.  You want to scare/impress your children.

2. You want to scare/impress other people’s children.

3. You want to shoot people.

4. You want to shoot domesticated animals (cats/dogs mostly).

5. You want to walk around twirling it on what will now be called your “trigger finger.”

6. That leg of yours isn’t accidentally going to shoot itself.

7. The militarization of the police just doesn’t do enough for ya.

8. Nothing in your life is working but at least you can shoot stuff.

9. You want to find out how far you can take something stupid.

10. Everyone but you is the problem.

11. You lost your can opener and want to shoot your way to tasty soup.

12. Gotta die sometime.

13. The only thing that can stop a completely lovely, peaceful occasion is a good guy with a gun.

14. You want to feel weird at elementary school campuses, public parks, and other reasonably designated gun-free zones.

15. You want to get seated much, much faster at Chili’s.

16. You inherited lots of otherwise useless bullets.

17. If you’re losing a game of basketball you can just shoot the basketball, and, hey, now everybody loses.

18. If you don’t have a handgun and/or assault rifle, all possible bad things will happen to you and those you care about, all the time.

19. You want to teach that punk 14-year-old a lesson they’ll never forget.

20. You misunderstand everything.

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50 Possible Titles for our Next Record

Operation: Strike Force

Fields of Angels

Deetch

Another Amazing Day

DANCE!

Essential Freedom Songs

Physical Mystery

The Weepy Riders Ride Again (One More Time)

Man Oh Man!

Pass the Vape Pen

F.L.E.E.N.S.

Fleens?

Button-Down Baby

Tuesday Nights at the Rot’ry Club

But, Pa!

Just Me and My Bluejeans

Patience, Determination, Some Other Stuff

The Fruits of Friendship

Dear Loneliness

Embrace of the Soul-Reaver

Cracked Rear View

We Tried Real Hard

Increased Accountability

A Lot of Sugar

Boy Oh Boy!

The Next Level

Songs in the Key of Rock Climbing

Ready to License

Duets

Kiss My Cavity

Throwin’

Tossin’

Passin’

Totally Tunes

I Love My Parents

Enter the Cube

$32,000

The Publisher and the Page Boy

Maximum Mardi Gras!

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon

Mushy

Cold City 2: 2037 A.D.

The Dude, the Man, the Bro, and the Fella

Yeppers

SE7EN

Buddies

Twin Beds and Twilight

Simply Achin’

A Bustle in Your Hedgerow: A Tribute to the Music of Led Zeppelin

I Work at a Start Up

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Thomas

You were so warm, so encouraging, so loving, so open, so different from everyone else. You were one of the people who made it easier to keep making music. So sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye. 

New Songs

We start recording early next month. A heap of new songs await. We don’t know what it’ll sound like yet, but probably something like this:

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meets this:

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meets this:

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Working titles include, but are not limited to:

Horoscopes Too

Dietrich

Spider Boy

Standard Tuning

Mr. Honey

We’ll let you know what it sounds like by putting it out eventually.

Palisades 12/5

AHOY. We will be back from Europe and playing Palisades with our friends Solvey and Drawing Boards on Saturday, December 5. We will have played in like 475 countries and will bring every ounce of that experience to the stage. Maybe we’ll even change our strings first.

Here’s a good Jandek song.

New Vid 4 Comb the Feelings Through Your Hair

Who says you can’t have a video like 7 months after your album came out? Not us. And not Cora Foxx who did this one for us (as she did the wonderful “Infinity Caller” vid too).

And of course, tour dates tour dates tore daits.

* = w/ A Place to Bury Strangers
9/1 – Brooklyn, NY @ Shea Stadium w/ Parlor Walls and Faten Kanaan
9/5 – Atlanta, GA @ The Earl
9/6 – Nashville, TN @ Fond Object
9/7 – Memphs, TN @ Murphy’s
9/8 – Norman, OK @ Opolis
9/9 – Albuquerque, NM @ Sister
9/10 – Boise @ Neurolux
9/12/15 – Vancouver BC @ The Cobalt*
9/13/15 – Seattle, WA @ Chop Suey*
9/14/15 – Portland, OR @ Star Theater*
9/17 – San Francisco CA @ The Knockout
9/18 – Visalia CA @ Cellar Door
9/19/15 – Santa Cruz, CA @ The Catalyst Atrium*
9/21/15 – Los Angeles, CA @ Echoplex*
9/22/15 – San Diego, CA @ Soda Bar*
9/24/15 – Salt Lake City, UT @ Urban Lounge*
9/25/15 – Denver, CO @ Larimer Lounge*
9/27/15 – St. Paul, MN @ Turf Club*
9/28/15 – Madison, WI @ The Vault
9/29/15 – Chicago, IL @ Empty Bottle*
9/30/15 – Bloomington, IN @ The Bishop*
10/1/15 – Covington, KY @ Madison Live*
10/2/15 – Cleveland, OH @ Beachland Tavern*
10/3/15 – Detroit, MI @ Majestic Cafe*
10/5/15 – Toronto, ON @ Horseshoe Tavern
10/6/15 – Montreal QC @ La Sala Rosa*
10/7/15 – Boston MA @ Middle East*
10/9/15 – Brooklyn NY @ St. Vitus*
Europe –
27/10/15 – Haarlem, Netherlands – Patronaat (Geertruida Presents)

28/10/15 – Gent, Belgium  – Kinky Star
29/10/15 – Lucerne, Switzerland –  Schuur *
30/10/15 – Legnano (Milano), Italy – Circolo Agora *
31/10/15 – Ljubljana, Slovenia – Orto Bar *
2/11/15 – Zagreb, Croatia – Mochvara *
3/11/15 – Bosnia & Herzegovina, Sarajevo – AG Club *
4/11/15 – Belgrade, Serbia –  Drugstore *
5/11/15 –  Skopje, Macedonia – MKC *
6/11/15 – Thessaloniki, Greece – Mylos *
7/11/15 – Athens, Greece – Gagarin 205 *
8/11/15 – Volos, Greece – Lab Art  *
12/11/15 – Sofia, Bulgaria –  Mixtapes *
13/11/15 – Bucharest, Romania – Control Club*
14/11/15 – Budapest, Hungary – A38, Hungary*
16/11/15 – Prague, Czech Republic – MeetFactory *
17/11/15 – Warsaw, Poland – Klub Hydrozagadka*
18/11/15 – Sopot, Poland – Dwie Zmiany *
19/11/15 – Dresden, Germany- Beatpol *
20/11/15 – Utrecht, Netherlands – Le Guess Who Festival w/ Ariel Pink, Faust, Deerhunter, APTBS, Protomartyr, Julia Holter and many more