1. You want to scare/impress your children.
2. You want to scare/impress other people’s children.
3. You want to shoot people.
4. You want to shoot domesticated animals (cats/dogs mostly).
5. You want to walk around twirling it on what will now be called your “trigger finger.”
6. That leg of yours isn’t accidentally going to shoot itself.
7. The militarization of the police just doesn’t do enough for ya.
8. Nothing in your life is working but at least you can shoot stuff.
9. You want to find out how far you can take something stupid.
10. Everyone but you is the problem.
11. You lost your can opener and want to shoot your way to tasty soup.
12. Gotta die sometime.
13. The only thing that can stop a completely lovely, peaceful occasion is a good guy with a gun.
14. You want to feel weird at elementary school campuses, public parks, and other reasonably designated gun-free zones.
15. You want to get seated much, much faster at Chili’s.
16. You inherited lots of otherwise useless bullets.
17. If you’re losing a game of basketball you can just shoot the basketball, and, hey, now everybody loses.
18. If you don’t have a handgun and/or assault rifle, all possible bad things will happen to you and those you care about, all the time.
19. You want to teach that punk 14-year-old a lesson they’ll never forget.
20. You misunderstand everything.