Please take a moment to help us do our job better.

The following will help us sort you, while also offering us invaluable feedback on what our next collection of music should sound like (in order to best accommodate the sorted).

1. Where are my millions?

   a.) Penciled in

   b.) To take the edge off

   c.) Another thing coming

   d.) Packed for all possible seasons

   e.) Magistrate seeks romance

2. My favorite ocean is:

    a.) milk

    b.) cream

    c.) eggs

    d.) strawberries

    e.) sugar

3. Before going to bed:

    a.) food coloring

    b.) “stop talking about your ideal gravestone or I’ll send you to it now”

    c.) everyone is afraid

    d.) more compression

    e.) I’m on fire

4. Unstable sense of self-worth:

    a.) *Gulp*

   b.) Where will lust lead me?

   c.) Allergic to cats

   d.) Frighteningly incorrect shade of aura

   e.) Fashionably uninvited

5. Next up:

   a.) Prince of Darkness

   b.) Public Defender

   c.) The mafia, more or less

   d.) Void, of course

   e.) The famous are usually correct

6. The world is up there and I am way down here: 

   a.) Questionable blast radius

   b.) A polymer capable of anything

   c.) I can feel it but I can’t see it

   d.) Black tie required

   e.) Back to work

7. Impossibly nice cops:

   a.) Entirely reasonable

   b.) Somewhat reasonable

   c.) Neither here nor there

   d.) Somewhat unreasonable

   e.) Entirely unreasonable

8. Blind ambition led me here:

   a.) Threshold for cash flow

   b.) Maximum Aerosmith

   c.) Scene of the crime

   d.) No guilty pleasure only pleasure

   e.) I need a shave

9. Overachiever is to ______ as ______ is to _______: 

   a.) Broke. Again.

   b.) At knifepoint

   c.) As a tourist in your own bed

   d.) There is no period on this sentence

   e.) Because I wanted to

10. I am never alone:

   a.) Melting

   b.) Somewhere down there

   c.) Who’s laughing now?

   d.) Follow the equator

   e.) Alpha and Omega

11. A situation I could never quite avoid:

   a.) Jacketed in light

   b.) A healthy lunch is all I need

   c.) Where are my millions?

   d.) Animals incapable of pain

   e.) Never go to bed angry

12. Safe in the cull:

   a.) Discovered by searchlights

   b.) Good advice

   c.) Not enough to share

   d.) “On my desk by tomorrow morning.”

   e.) Sickened by the nostalgia of others, but not your own

13. Can’t dead horses dig up themselves?

   a.) A new month has been discovered

   b.) Sprawling bloat

   c.) I can’t see that far

   d.) A paltry offering

   e.) Kidnapped, living well.

14. Nudity doesn’t grab me like it used to:

   a.) My father’s son

   b.) Inappropriately timed farewell

   c.) Destination Wedding

   d.) Facts are facts

   e.) Born ready

15. Some fantasies are better than others:

   a.) I tested out

   b.) Pathetic bitrate, this won’t do

   c.) Sleeping soundly

   d.) They don’t make medicine for this

   e.) Sophomore effort

16. I am not disturbed: 

   a.) I open my mouth and the words come to me

   b.) Lifelong acne

   c.) 40hz and below

   d.) Slumber party

   e.) Complete collapse

17. Overnight in the reeds:

   a.) A new trick

   b.) Cloyingly sweet

   c.) They don’t really mean it

   d.) Chiseled features

   e.) It’s easy to start a fight

18. My favorite sensation is ______: 

   a.) Grass that doesn’t grow

   b.) I could somersault to the moon

   c.) DVD collection

   d.) Where are my millions?

   e.) I’m not playing, they’re insane

19. I could listen to the radio all day long and all night long: 

   a.) My closest friends

   b.) “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you”

   c.) Reduced on all sides

   d.) Easy money

   e.) A deadly combination

20. My expectations are low:

   a.) I can feel it

   b.) Don’t tell me what I want to hear

   c.) Buzzer beater

   d.) Laughter is my currency

   e.) Early favorites include ______

21. If I understood: 

   a.) Celebrity would keep me from saying the wrong things

   b.) Drifting off

   c.) You look positively ancient

   d.) Nothing between us anymore

   e.) Close to extinction

22. Desire can only take me so far: 

   a.) Photo finish

   b.) I’ve never seen the ocean

   c.) Another pleased customer

   d.) Only slightly offended

   e.) Trickle down, you’ll find your spenders

23. Every ounce of my strength: 

   a.) Safely negotiated

   b.) He’s not going away, is he?

   c.) The view from up here

   d.) Turned on by your screenname

   e.) Pure ammunition

24. The ground looked on fire:

   a.) Carried in beaks

   b.) Magical, the wrong kind of magical

   c.) You are perfect

   d.) Final round

   e.) A real thrill

25. I am:

    a.) Dead

    b.) Alive

Thank you for your time. Please print out your answers and send the results to:

S. Smith

49 South 2nd Street

Brooklyn, NY 11249







20 Reasons You Want to Own a Handgun or Assault Rifle

1.  You want to scare/impress your children.

2. You want to scare/impress other people’s children.

3. You want to shoot people.

4. You want to shoot domesticated animals (cats/dogs mostly).

5. You want to walk around twirling it on what will now be called your “trigger finger.”

6. That leg of yours isn’t accidentally going to shoot itself.

7. The militarization of the police just doesn’t do enough for ya.

8. Nothing in your life is working but at least you can shoot stuff.

9. You want to find out how far you can take something stupid.

10. Everyone but you is the problem.

11. You lost your can opener and want to shoot your way to tasty soup.

12. Gotta die sometime.

13. The only thing that can stop a completely lovely, peaceful occasion is a good guy with a gun.

14. You want to feel weird at elementary school campuses, public parks, and other reasonably designated gun-free zones.

15. You want to get seated much, much faster at Chili’s.

16. You inherited lots of otherwise useless bullets.

17. If you’re losing a game of basketball you can just shoot the basketball, and, hey, now everybody loses.

18. If you don’t have a handgun and/or assault rifle, all possible bad things will happen to you and those you care about, all the time.

19. You want to teach that punk 14-year-old a lesson they’ll never forget.

20. You misunderstand everything.


50 Possible Titles for our Next Record

Operation: Strike Force

Fields of Angels


Another Amazing Day


Essential Freedom Songs

Physical Mystery

The Weepy Riders Ride Again (One More Time)

Man Oh Man!

Pass the Vape Pen



Button-Down Baby

Tuesday Nights at the Rot’ry Club

But, Pa!

Just Me and My Bluejeans

Patience, Determination, Some Other Stuff

The Fruits of Friendship

Dear Loneliness

Embrace of the Soul-Reaver

Cracked Rear View

We Tried Real Hard

Increased Accountability

A Lot of Sugar

Boy Oh Boy!

The Next Level

Songs in the Key of Rock Climbing

Ready to License


Kiss My Cavity




Totally Tunes

I Love My Parents

Enter the Cube


The Publisher and the Page Boy

Maximum Mardi Gras!

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon


Cold City 2: 2037 A.D.

The Dude, the Man, the Bro, and the Fella




Twin Beds and Twilight

Simply Achin’

A Bustle in Your Hedgerow: A Tribute to the Music of Led Zeppelin

I Work at a Start Up



New Songs

We start recording early next month. A heap of new songs await. We don’t know what it’ll sound like yet, but probably something like this:


meets this:


meets this:


Working titles include, but are not limited to:

Horoscopes Too


Spider Boy

Standard Tuning

Mr. Honey

We’ll let you know what it sounds like by putting it out eventually.

Palisades 12/5

AHOY. We will be back from Europe and playing Palisades with our friends Solvey and Drawing Boards on Saturday, December 5. We will have played in like 475 countries and will bring every ounce of that experience to the stage. Maybe we’ll even change our strings first.

Here’s a good Jandek song.